| If you think
you have had some stressful life changes, just imagine what
4 million senior Americans who are grandparents, have experienced
since assuming the awesome responsibility of raising their
grandchildren. While it can be an opportunity for personal
fulfillment, satisfaction and a second shot at parenthood,
it has also split up longtime marriages and caused untold
financial and emotional stress for many couples.
I recently had an opportunity to learn about some of the
unique problems facing these special grandparents when I
attended a Thank God for Grandparents celebratory dinner
at St. Thomas’s Episcopal Church in New Haven.
Hosted by the New Haven Consultation Center which offers
a grandparents support group, I sat with Herman and Dorothea
Badger (who were celebrating their 49th wedding anniversary)
and Stephen and Mattie Alston. I also met impish, bright-eyed
Michael Badger, age 11, and cutie-pie, Jasmine Alston, age
9, as well as a grandmother who was raising four children.
Despite the financial and physical hardships that accompany
the responsibility of taking on the legal guardianship of
their grandchildren, most felt they had no choice. “They
are my family,” said one. “How could I just
turn them over to the state?” While the problem affects
all ethnic groups and income levels, many children come
into their grandparents care because the parents were divorced,
neglectful, suffered domestic violence or mental illness,
or became drug addicts or alcoholics.
In some cases, relieved of their parenting duties, these
troubled parents were able to start to put their own lives
in order. For the care-giving grandparents, however, it
has meant going back to work after retirement to pay for
child-rearing costs or changing their work patterns to fewer
hours so they could spend more time with the children.
I was surprised to learn that once they legally adopt their
grandchildren, they are not entitled to any financial aid;
yet many are struggling to make ends meet.
Stephen Alston said he no longer has the energy he had
when raising his son, and Dorothea Badger felt she doesn’t
have as much patience as she did when she was younger. They
both agreed that the general permissiveness of today’s
society, made child-rearing even more difficult.
One grandmother said, “When we were young, we had
to be home by midnight. Now they go out at midnight and
call you at 3 a.m. to be picked up.” Adding to the
difficulty of being a loving disciplinarian is the fact
that the children sometimes visit their parents who, to
assuage their own guilt or to win favor with their children,
coddle and spoil them. Grandparents also feel society’s
stigma of being so much older than the parents of their
children’s friends.
Support groups such as the one run by the Consultation
Center, give grandparents a shared sense of belonging and
a place to air their concerns and problems. (For more information,
you can reach the New Haven Consultation Center at 203-789-7645.
For a list of grandparent support groups in Connecticut,
Google the National Center on Grandparents and scroll down
to programs by state.) The National Center on Grandparents
Web site also listed six strategies for relieving “grandparent
stress,” but I think they are good advice for everyone:
- Write down what is causing you stress; then write down
the possible solutions. Keep a gratitude journal. Daily
gratitude reminders keep you focused on what is good.
- Eat right and exercise. Food we eat has a profound effect
on our attitude and well being. Exercise helps to reduce
stress hormones in your body.
- Laugh. Enjoy the special moments with your grandchildren.
Playing games, baking cookies or watching a funny movie
together will help build that special bond.
- Inner peace can be found through meditation, faith and
spirituality.
- Environment. Additional family members in your home can
lead to clutter and limited space. Making room for grandchildren
so they have a place for their personal possessions will
help you feel more relaxed. You may want to make more room
by getting rid of unnecessary things.
- Family and friends are important to both you and your
grandchildren’s well being and are a source of comfort
during stressful times.
If you have a neighbor who is raising a grandchild, lend
a helping hand or offer to be there when they are called
away. These grandparents are sacrificing so much and they
deserve our help and support.
Jean Cherni is founder of Senior
Living Solutions, a retirement advisory service. Contact
her at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds, Branford
06405.
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